FIOS, fears and falling

So. Monday I finished The Road (don't worry, full analysis to come) so that I could read Ender's Game (that too) so that I could read The Fault in Our Stars and yesterday I finished Ender's Game. So last night I started The Fault in Our Stars and I am about halfway done. Today in personal finance I read the whole hour (because I finished the project Monday and its due in a week; personal finance is a joke and a waste of time and I hate it) . The book is just amazing. I am so excited to finish it and that will probably be tonight because at this point its all I can think about.

Today lis told me about a friend of ours that is sick and probably wont be able to have kids. She is already 50% but over Christmas break she is going in for surgery and then she will have an 80% chance of not being infertile. She feels like school feel useless and empty, how her existence and purpose has been compromised. I have two responses to this: First of all, I have felt that way before. After I got in my car accident last year, I remember going to school the next day and feeling like school felt so monotonous and purposeless. I had almost died. It kind of shakes you. You see things differently when you realize that you had the potential to not be there. Secondly I have that same fear. My mom had difficulty having children- there is a 9 year gap between me and my next sibling and they were not on purpose. There were a lot of miscarriages and I remember the heartbreak that my mom went through. I remember watching her cry and feeling so powerless. It might be genetic. Granted so far it hasn't been- all of my aunts and my grandparents have been very fertile- in fact I belong to a long line of 9, 7, 5, children families. But still. There is a chance. My mom and I are very similar. I wonder what my perspective on life would be if I knew I couldn't have kids. My perspective on marriage would defiantly change- if I married at all, it would be to someone who would be perfectly OK with adopting which in-and-of-itself takes its own type of person. I think of how many things I do and think about in my day that I do for the sake of my posterity. That sounds stupid. But I think about it all the time. How my body will change when I have kids and how what I eat now and what I eat now will affect that. How I want to be like as a mom and how I watch my own mother with my siblings and how they interact.

Falling asleep is so weird. You have no control over it. Laying awake. Waiting. Just waiting. Trying not to think because if you think too much you wont fall. Trying not to sing along to the song in my head. Trying to fall